Life in New York city is so much crazier than I could have ever anticipated. I have had the highest highs and lowest lows in the past seven months than I have (almost) my entire life. There is so much possibility, and yet I feel like I'm stuck in a place where nothing exciting or fulfillig will happen for me. I've been so scared and so full of life, all in the same day. I knew living here would be hard. But I didn't imagine it would stretch me so much as a person. I've had a couple people tell me how brave I am, and that they are proud of me. At first I didn't get this...thought it was almost crazy. But after awhile I realized...yeah. I am fucking brave. Moving across the country, away from your family, your friends, your comfortable theatre career, your home, IS brave. I should be proud of myself. I've been really busy lately starting a new job, working out, and completely changing my eating habits-I've been so caught up in RIGHT NOW that once I had a moment to breathe the reality of my loneliness crashed down around me. So today was hard. I'm not always lonely. I have amazing roommates and a kitty that makes my awesome apartment cozy and happy. But I am such a family person. I'm realizing how much I rely on my family and since I haven't seen them since January, I'm really starting to miss them. I talk to everyone in my family every day. But when I get pictures of them hanging out together in the sunroom my heart kinda hurts. I wish I had THAT comfort. And when I get lonely, instead of reaching out to other friends in the city, I crawl back into my shell and lock myself in my room with my Netflix marathon and feel more and more isolated. It's something I'm trying to work on, because honestly I had those days in Utah, too. I've always struggled with that...hiding away when I should be putting myself out there.
I've also found comfort in things here that I didn't imagine. A kind word from a friend, the smell of spring, the kindness of a stranger, seeing a puppy on the street...it's cheesy but it's true, life is awesome. And awful. And I'm trying to navigate my way through it with as much grace and strength as I can muster. But today especially I miss my people in the 801. Thanks for being there for me, even when I feel alone. Thanks for reading this...whoever you are. Thanks for believing in my dream...when I forget why I have it.