Trying to Fight the Sad

Depression is something that I have struggled with for a lot of years. It's something that is inconsistent, and when it hits it's hard for me to get out of bed. I don't care what some people say about "Just have a positive attitude" or "just get over it" for me that doesn't work. When I go through these spells it's not fun. And the past few days I've been there.

This morning it was triggered by a lot of different things, and the anxiety doesn't help. Today was hard. I find myself sitting in my car for a half hour just thinking and unable to move. I'm getting help and I have people I can talk to-so that's good. This isn't a sob story. But it's about the fact that I pushed myself today to do something I didn't really want to do. 

When I get into these moods I just want to be alone in my bed. I don't want to move. I usually just want to cry and sleep. But tonight I made myself drive down to Lehi to see my friends. And it really helped me. Helped me look at the small things. I love the people I saw tonight. I love their sillyness and their sweetness. I love knowing that I can talk to them when I'm down. Sometimes I am in awe of how many amazing people are in my life. I honestly have the best friends in the world, and I don't know how I got so lucky. It really brightened my spirits to see these people today, and I'm so thankful for them.

When I was driving home I was thinking about all the little things that I love and that make life really great. Here are some.

Driving in the dark when there are very few cars on the road

Laughing with a friend in a movie theatre

When your iPod plays all the songs you love

The Beatles

Sweatshirts

Holding hands

Looking forward to reading 

Writing in my journal

Drinking coffee

Singing as loud as I want in my car

Reconnecting with a friend you miss

Seeing people you miss

Sunshine

Swimming

Dancing

Auditions

Musicals

The list goes on and on.

But today I'm thankful for the little things.

Lots o' theatre

I had my first rehearsal for 4000 MILES last night and I am getting even MORE excited about this show.

Please come see it! 

Call 801.363.7522 for tickets before they sell out!!

(Because they probably will)

This weekend was a pretty good one. Sometimes...okay a lot of the time I'm a major homebody. That's one thing I really miss about having roommates. When you have roomies you are more likely to go out and do things with them. To make plans or to hang out with each other at home. But without roommates...I tend to hop into my sweat pants after work and chill. Which, honestly, is a good thing for me. But I'm trying not to be TOO much of a homebody and get out and do things. So on Friday I went on a wonderful bike ride. The weather was perfect and I was trying to channel my inner Bec. 

Then on Saturday I had rehearsal! Sunday was a splendid day. I went to brunch with a dear friend and his wife. I have missed Mr. Shenefelt very much. He was always someone at Weber who I knew was in my corner. Thanks for  always being a great friend to be Shene, and seeing me in my darkest times and helping me out of it. After that Miss Fullerton and I went to Park City and hung out before seeing My Fair Lady at the Egyptian. Going into this I was a little...apprehensive. Because I had only seen this show once before and HATED it. So I figured I just didn't like this show...well I couldn't have been more wrong because I LOVED it. Seriously. If you can go to Park City and see this show. First of all my dear Ashley is the PERFECT Eliza Doolittle. Second of all my dear Jon McBride lights up every stage he walks on. It was just all around a great production and I highly recommend it.

Oh and I learned that I'm a Cancer with Aquarius moon and Gemini ascendant. 

If you were interested :)

Alabanza

I don't blog. Ever. In fact I'd forgotten I had a blog. Since I last blogged a lot has changed. Things have come and gone. First of all this.

IN THE HEIGHTS is over. And while I write this I'm listening to the "Finale" form the show so naturally I want to cry. This show. I can't quite put words to the experience. From the moment I was introduced to this show I wanted to be in it. I never thought I would be because I'm not Latina. But I took a chance and auditioned anyway. And I'm so thankful I did. I started the rehearsal process a little nervous. The only people I knew before we started rehearsals were Ames and Josh, and they were I'm Europe. So for the first time in a very long time, I showed up to rehearsal not knowing a soul. That was weird for me. The people who know me would describe me as loud and a little crazy. But it takes a minute for me to show that. I can be a little shy at first. Especially when I feel like an outsider. The first rehearsal I spoke to Carolyn about carpooling and knew we would be good friends. She was so friendly and genuinely wants to get to know everyone. But for the first little while I would just sit back and learn the music and not really talk to anyone. And then one by one I got to know all of these new and incredible people. It's rare...being in a show that connects you to your cast the way In The Heights connected us. I've been in a lot of shows in my life, doing theatre consistently since I was eight. And this one has been one of the most special. I love these people. I learned so much from these people. These incredibly wonderful people. I miss this show all the time and I'm sure there are a lot of people sick of hearing about how much I love this show. But I do. It truly touched my heart. I miss it. Which I find mind boggling because it was a long process. I thought by the time it was over I would be grateful. Glad to stop driving to Orem everyday day and glad to have my evenings back for the first time since the summer. But on closing night I cried. I was truly sad to put this one to bed. This showed reminded me about hard work. Jenny Barlow pushed me in a way that I needed. Never give less then 100%. Push yourself to be better at every rehearsal and every performance. Tell the story and be engaged every second. I wish I could step back into that show. Just for one night to play with those silly lovely people. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life, and I feel so lucky. Every time we get to step out on that stage and tell that story is a privilege. You won't always get cast in every show you want...but every time you don't get cast there is a reason. Always. Which brings me to my next piece of news.

I auditioned for Les Mis at Hale and really wasn't expecting a whole lot, but thought it would he a great gig. And I was bummed when I didn't get it. I wanted something after In The Heights to look forward to. But I didn't get it. And now I am so so so thankful for that. Everything happens for a reason. That is true. I will be playing Bec in 4000 MILES at Salt Lake Acting Company in April. I am so excited to get back on that stage. I am thrilled to be in this beautiful play and really excited to work with the director and actors. It's going to push me and I can't wait till rehearsals start! I'm so giddy over it! 

So. That's a little insight on my life right now. 

A lovely weekend.

I had a truly marvelous weekend! I've been feeling a little blue lately, and quite frankly out of touch with the world, so it was good to reconnect with so many people that I love.

Thursday I went with Stewart to Lagoon for our fittings! We both talked about how awesome this summer is going to be, and we are going to get so fit and fierce. It made me even more excited for the summer. Then we went up to Ogden to my old stomping grounds! I showed her around the Browning Center and stopped into the costume shop to see Jean, Karrie, Shawnee, and Mandee! Then I showed her all the theatres and saw John, Van, and Austin along the way. It was really fun to go back and see people. I don't miss taking stupid math, but I do miss those people. And Jim classes. Then we saw Picnic at Hanging Rock which I really loved. It was hauntingly beautiful. Congratulations to all involved!

Friday I worked then stopped to get Jon and drove down to Orem to see Big River which was AWESOME. Hale Orem NEVER ceases to amaze me. Every single show I have seen there has been good. I love seeing what they do with that tiny space. It never feels tiny, and the possibilities are endless. I would love love love to work there again. I love that place so much. And I got to see a bunch of my In the Heights friends which is always amazing. I love those babes. I realize I am saying love a lot, but that's just how I feel about my entire ITH and Hale Orem experience! 

Saturday I slept in and got some much needed work done. (Room and bathroom clean, cat things clean) I also watched Dallas Buyers Club with momma. Damn. That is a good movie. Redbox it NOW. Then Jon, Ashley and I went to Once On This Island at The Grand Theatre. The entire time I was remembering being in that show as a little lady at The Babcock and Kingsbury Hall. Those were good times. That was the first time I got to play a dream role, so I have a special connection with it :) Go see it to hear JD kill it. He seriously is amazing. This is a pic of me backstage playing Ti Moune in...2006 I think? 

Then after we went out to Bar X for Randall's birthday! I got to play with soooo many people that I adore! I love having so many of my friends all in one place. It's one of my favorite things. 

One of the things that made this weekend extra special was seeing so much theatre. I love watching my friends grow and seeing GOOD story telling. 

Can't stop won't stop.

Also this.

Marry me, John.

Boston and life changes

I'm really trying to be better at this whole blogging thing. I find that I start on one topic and then ramble on to several others, so forgive me. Also I don't know how to follow new people...so if anyone can help out this blogger challenged girl-I'm accepting it.

Last night I got home from a trip to Boston to visit my best friend! Boston is beautiful. So full of history and I swear it's like 7 different cities all in one. I decided a couple weeks ago that I needed to see my best friend. I've been having a mild quarter life crisis lately. Nothing too serious I just have been having a hard time. I have NO idea what the next year of my life is going to look like. I have everything all planned out until September, but then after that what will I do? Move? Stay here? I'm doing 4000 MILES @ SLAC and then the day after we close I start Lagoon rehearsals. I'm really excited for both of these things. But I'm starting to get stressed about life after. And what helps the most when you're stressed? Talking to your best friend of course. And I don't have the luxury of driving over to her house anymore...she lives basically a country away. So I checked out my sky miles and realized I could fly to her and home for a grand total of $7. So a few minutes later I booked my first trip to Boston! We spent the week walking around, taking the T, taking loads of pictures, drinking a lot of alcohol and coffee, and seeing the sights. It was just what my soul needed. It's so nice to be with someone who has known you since you were a little kid. I'm so thankful every day that I have a life long friend. I have been friends with her longer than I haven't been. We can talk about things, relive memories, or just enjoy each others company. It's nice. And I miss having her close to me. But it's a comfort to know that she will always be my best friend. Sorry girl-you're not getting rid of me anytime soon. Getting away and getting a bit of clarity. What will I do after September? I'm not entirely sure, but I'm going to try to focus on taking it a day at a time. Take life as it comes, and enjoy the ride.

So I ask you friends that read my blog (if there are any?) how do you know when you need to make a major life change? How do you know when it's the right time to take the move to the big city? Wait until I get my equity card? Wait until your bills are paid off? Or just follow your gut? I'm terrified. Moving terrifies me. A lot of people I know talk about how they can't wait to get out and how they hate Salt Lake. But I've gotta be honest. I love my home. I really love living here and most importantly, I love all of my people. So do I just suck it up and follow my heart?